Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
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“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.