Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
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Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.