Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
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Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
My typo game is string.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.