Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
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[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
August 8
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.