My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
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Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Nice try Hitler
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…