It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
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As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options