I have a place for everything. The floor.
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As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
my name if I was in the mob
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.