Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
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Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Google Pay be like:
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort