My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.