I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
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I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Um … Hot Wings please
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.