Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
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Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
My spirit animal is fried chicken
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.