4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
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Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
*seductively eats two tums*
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
reminder
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.