*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
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Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Education is vital
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?