I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
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You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Anyone want a chair?
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days