Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
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Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.