Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
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“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.