[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
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god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
when mom throws a party…
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.