anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
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9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
i think both sides are to blame here
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”