WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
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Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
same vibe as tangled headphones