So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
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Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes