Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
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Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?