Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
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I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant