A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
You Might Also Like
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.