Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
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My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.