I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
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Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.