Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
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the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili