“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
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… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.