ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
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It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels