“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
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If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Google assistant rules
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.