So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
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As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Me :
All Day At Night
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs