I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
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Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
A leaf blower, but for people.