Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
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If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.