The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
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The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings