Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
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My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*