I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
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[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I did not eat the cake…
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.