Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
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Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.