the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
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Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.