My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
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Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
i choose….tongue
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles