me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
You Might Also Like
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
You’re the water to my grease fire.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.