Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
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The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
some things should go without saying
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
A short story of betrayal:
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.