{commercial for boats}
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[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.