how many bears make up a bear minimum
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Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.