Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
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A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.