writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
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4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
who wants to go expliring
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Jail
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS