If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
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*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
May have had one breakfast too many
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??