Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
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They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.