Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
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i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
#Caturday
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.