i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
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“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
This will never not be funny 😭
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd