My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
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My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread