My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
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I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family